Here’s a last one for the road. Last weekend, I decided to separate Noah and TV in a big way. He got about 40 minutes of TV today. That was all this week. Why? He can’t sleep, he doesn’t read, he’s constantly agitated, what he sees on TV is all he talks about, he screams at me, he started telling me to shut up (from Toy Story) . . . I could go on and on. But mostly it was the agitation. The same agitation we noticed shortly after his birth and every time we’ve decided to get rid of TV since. Why do we keep coming back to this place?Anyway. The semi-lie. I told him the TV is sleeping. Technically, it is sleeping when it’s turned off. I consult with the TV when Noah asks if he can watch something, usually by looking at it, going, “mmmm” and pursing my lips. But today my consultation took me into the office where I “talked” to the TV on the computer. Really, I opened a Gmail chat with Nathan. (Interpret Nathan as the TV how you will.)

“You’re talking to the TV through the computer?” Nathan was skeptical.

I try not to take advantage of the fact that Noah doesn’t know any better. But in case you’re wondering, you can “talk” to the TV thorugh the computer in a way. If you have the right DVR setup and you want to schedule recordings while you’re away. We don’t have anything like that.

Nathan and I decided that since it was Movie Friday, it would be okay if Noah got the equivalent or less in TV time. I came out of the office. I told Noah the TV said it can wake up to let him watch two episodes of Caillou. It did. He watched them. The TV is now back asleep. Noah is upstairs in his crib avoiding a nap. I’m debating whether to get him up when his one hour expires, or leave him there until he actually sleeps for one hour. I think I’ll just get him up even though what I want is to lay down for a nap myself. If it’s not nursing or dealing with Noah in the middle of the night, all this “creative thinking” is sapping my energy.

a

The keys to successfully managing your home lies in creating Master Lists. Read about the importance of managing your home in this previous entry: Benefits of Scheduling. You can create these on paper first, then copy onto the computer so you can print them out as needed, or start off from the beginning on the computer, but don’t forget to print it and put it where you’ll notice it. I wanted to post my files but my blog is not showing the files properly. I can send you some or all the files by email if you need more help than what i’ve explained below.

1. Master Meal List: a list of all possible dinner meals. Group by meat, chicken, fish, vegetarian etc. If you also cook for breakfast and or lunch, you may need a meal list for those meals as well. For me i only cook breakfast on the weekends, during the week it’s cereal and milk. For lunch, i have a weekly schedule where every monday is mac & cheese, every tuesday is pizza, every wed is sandwiches etc. Refer to the Master Meal List when making the menu for the week.

a

 My friend works 6-7 days a week. She also is a student at my university. Her husband spends most days at home sleeping. He is “self-employed” and refuses to get a steady job because he likes being “his own boss!” He is also a practicing Muslim brother who regularly attends the masjid and demands his rights from his overworked wife. Sound familiar?

When I first met my friend a little over a year ago, I thought she was a single mom. She never mentioned her husband. She always scrambled between daycare, school and work. She barely had a moment to breath and on most days she turned to her parents for help.

Ironically, I found out later that she is indeed still married. It was when I inquired why she preferred to wear black garments all the time. Her response, “my husband wants me to!”

How does one solve this problem? Not at an individual level, but at umumi level?

(Image coutresy: ex.libris)

a

In traditional faith communities, single women are usually looked upon with fear and desire. They are objects of desire because they hold out the promise of a traditional religious home complete with traditional wife and progeny to perpetuate the lineage and community. The unfulfilled promise they seem to hold out is ripe for the plucking. But they are also feared, and as objects of fear, they inspire often intense monitoring behaviors. In traditional communities, single women are watched and judged far more intensely than are single men. Single women’s main marketable commodity – virginity – is guarded and desired – and feared because it is capable of being spent – and with this spending, the honor of the collective may also be metaphorically dissipated. Men’s honor does not have far-reaching implications for the community; men are the community and the arbiters of its honor. Women’s honor is guarded and watched as well as cherished and honored.
When single women become numerous in a faith community, leaders and gatekeepers worry. Or should worry. First, because single women, unlike men, may not seek sexual fulfillment (legitimately) outside of wedlock. Second, because they, in fact, can.

And the issue of the “surplus” of single women in the Western community:

Traditional Muslims hold that Muslim women may not marry outside the faith and that Muslim men may marry Muslims, Christians or Jews, but there the choices end. So is there a smaller pool of Muslim men available for Muslim women because some of them are marrying non-Muslims? There is little by way of lifestyle-related statistics for American Muslims, so it is hard to tell whether there are just more Muslim women than men, whether Muslim men’s marriages outside the faith impacts numbers significantly, or because some men do marry abroad, traveling abroad to their parents’ birthplaces to enter arranged marriages. The last-mentioned is neither here nor there because some Muslim women also marry abroad. However, since cultural patterns of gender norms affect women intimately, Muslim women are often heard loudly protesting against the idea of marrying a man from the motherland. For many Muslim men, on the other hand, marrying a woman from the motherland means marrying a momma-replica who looks pretty and is “sweet.” (The reality may or may not be so).

Koonji insists that the dearth of eligible men is not the only reason for marriage outside the faith:

Part of the problem is what I discussed earlier in this article, modes of courtship or the lack thereof. Traditional Muslim organizations and contexts have often insisted on forms of gender segregation that sometimes make it extremely difficult to meet and identify spouses. Under the motto “God will provide,” conservative Muslims have frowned upon single men and women talking to each other. Much “talking,” I found in my research on college campuses, therefore takes place on the internet and the phone, because it is less visible and, in fact, not really happening.

“Courting” is rejected by the more traditional circles, though many have come to realize that they have to give way. But this grudging “look-away” acceptance will have to develop into something more concrete and theorized if Muslim men and women are to find mates within the community.

Svend once spoke of an Islamic Society of North America convention matrimonial event that took place about a decade ago. Single men and women were chatting with each other, under the eye of organizers. Suddenly an elderly gentleman entered, observed, and reprimanded them, “Brothers, this is not permissible. You should not be doing this.” Svend says, “I wanted to tell him, ‘Uncle, you should be grateful they’re here, and not at the bar across the street from the convention center.’” Because the bar is indeed there, and if Uncle doesn’t go there, many of the kids do.

Shabana Mir is an assistant Professor at Oklahoma State University, and runs the
Koonj blog

Via Wajahat Ali

a

Now, how we do it in my community, is that after some initial discussion between parents and go-betweens over the phone, the guy and his family comes round to visit the girl and her family. After munching on samosas and tea for anywhere between 10 minutes to an hour, the girl and the guy usually get to spend some time with one another to ask questions. Depending on the family and their customs, they may sit alone in an open part of the house, or sit in the corner while their family pretends not to listen in.

After this �interview� period, the guy goes back to his family, there may be some more samosa munching, but usually the boy�s family goes home soon after.

What follows is usually an agonising wait while the guy�s family makes their decision. It might be a day. It might be a week. They may never respond (yes, it happens! How rude?). True, it is only agonising if the girl is actually interested� else, who cares, right? Anyway, this whole waiting period usually results in unnecessary stress for the girl�s family, which may lead to squabbling and other unpleasantness.

But, there is another way, my friends.

a

“Tarek*,23, has been searching for a wife since his first year in college. With his parents� full support and a steady job under his belt, Tarek began meeting girls through relatives, friends, and online. None proved a match.

A few years ago, Tarek was perusing material in a masjid bookstore and saw a girl there he thought could be a potential candidate.

�She seemed to be waiting around the place almost as if she wanted me to say something, but I just didn�t know how to approach her,� Tarek recalls. �Was she interested, or was it just my imagination? I didn�t want to make it seem like I was hitting on her because it would probably turn her off. It was mind-boggling and disappointing because I didn�t know what to do.�

Truly, Muslim men and women � especially those in the West � are missing opportunities to get to know one another in informal, yet religiously acceptable forums. With unplanned socializing out of the question, youth are scrambling for an alternative that will allow for careful interaction between genders. Often times, men and women are completely separated to the point where they find it awkward to interact on a basic social level.

a

—

FYI, this is the 1000th post on Ijtema.net! Alhamdulillah! Who knew we’d come this far? It has been an amazing journey for the Ijtema team. May Allah continue to help and guide us, so we can safely reach the next millenary milestone, Ameen.

a

More from Saudiwoman.

a

a

I feel sorry for these women because they have lost their identity. That is something that to me would be very painful. To come to a strange land where your husband lives with his very large family who speak in a language you are totally clueless about can be very daunting. Your in-laws will speak in that language with your co-wife while you sit looking at them blankly.

a